Author Archives: 30 Something, Mum, and Abused.

I am 30 something, a mum and I’m being abused by my partner, my life, my diary.

Unblock Contact?

Confirm. Iv got no choice yet again, she’s managed to get me to unblock her! “MUMMMMMM!!!!! Kyles mum wants you on the phone” Fuking great that’s the abusers brothers Girlfriend… “Hi I got he dates wrong for Alfie’s birthday, it’s on Friday not Saturday, can the kids come I just need to know for numbers, the abuser said she will take them but it’s up to you?” On loud speak infront of my eldest, as you can imagine he’s jumping up and down with excitement. “Yes course, that’s fine”. It is not fine, far from Fuking fine! Now I have to unblock her to organise the kids being picked up and dropped off.

iMessage:

Poppie: Did you say you was going to take the kids on Friday?

The Abuser: ye.

Poppie: ok.

The Abuser: You will have to message me Friday and let me know the plans.

Poppie: I’ll pick them up from school, get them changed, so you let me know what time to have them ready.

The Abuser: K.

The Abuser: Will you message Dylan wen the rest of my stuff is done coz I need it.

Poppie: Done last bits of washing will be done tomorrow, I’ll put wet washing in a different bag.

The Abuser: “The Abuser liked your message”.

So that’s me all week worrying about Friday, no doubt she will message in the mean time and because I won’t give in to her, she will kick off and then say she’s not taking them, then she will, then she won’t, in the end she will. It’s the same pattern every single time, it’s tiering. Then more than likely she will kick off saying I use her bla bla bla, and it’s best she doesn’t see the kids, YAWNNNNNN!!!!

What she hasn’t realised yet is that I can read her like a book, I’m the only real person who knows her, inside and out (wink, wink). Shes turned her *read off her messages (Shes pathetic like that) so i turn my off (Shes made me pathetic like that). Its my Second childs birthday on Saturday, i thought that was going to be the excuse to get hold of me, because trust me that is coming. She will not be happy atall when she finds out im having a party for him at my mums (Which she is now banned from because iv told my mum about the weekend, shes absouletly morrtified at what iv been through). Its only 19:58, still time for her to contact me again now she knows iv unblocked her. She is trying to act cool and act like shes not arsed but i know she is, iv got no doubt in my mind about that. Shes madly in love with me, as i am her, she protects me in every way, crossing the road no problem she is my eyes, i felt so safe around her, she was my safety blanket. I have never felt love like it, i fell like a ton of bricks from her. I HATE anyone touching me, cannot stand it but her i just wanted her to cuddle me, and thats what i cannot get out my head, visions of her with someone else.

Anyway…. give myself a slap! This time round, what im doing different is anytime i thing nice thoughts i make myself remember the bad times, its not hard because there was a hell of a lot more bad times and black eyes than there was good times and smiles. What really baffles my head is that no matter what she has done she never, EVER says sorry, not ever. Abviously because she doesnt think what she is doing is wrong. How can someone seriously beat their partner to a pulp, completley change their face, look at them the next day and say ”OR i carnt ever look at you, look at the state of your face”. So you, the person who has blackened my eyes, busted my nose, busted my lip carnt look at me? but i have to look everyday in the mirror, my kids have to look at me, teachers, bus drivers, everyone. I hate the next day after she has hit me, i get so embarressed seeing people and they look with this same look… Lips pierced in like a sad, sypathy smile, head tilt to the side. ”She only slammed on the breaks like a geekand smashed her face on the stiring wheel” the abuser rushes to tell everyone. You know what makes me cringe, she genuinley thinks that people believe her.

I need my car back!

This bus malarkey is NOT for me. First of all we are all soaking wet! We have to walk 20 mins to drop the eldest off at school first as he starts at 8:45, then I have to run with the other two to the bus stop to get the to their school at 9:00. If I’m even a minute late that’s it, kids are late and iv got school going on at me. My car is parked (Hidden) at my mums and dads. I cannot afford to drive yet, YET! She needs road tax, car insurance, mot and a good seeing to with soap and water. The abuser bought the car for me, well she bought me a car which was wrote off and then with the insurance money I got the Astra. I miss my car so much, it’s just so much freedom, once you have a car and it’s taken away it’s like loosing a limb, really though!

Why is it so expensive to run a car? It’s constant money, money, money and iv got none. Literally. Kids are dropped off now and I’m sat at the bus stop waiting till 9:30 so I can go to the pawn shop and pawn my beautiful gold earrings. They might no accept as I do not have my passport anymore, iv brought mix match ID, so fingers crossed. If they don’t I don’t have a clue what I’m going to do, iv got like £4 on me in cash and 0.68p in my bank, I need, gas, electric, food and bus fairs for the rest of the week! It is not the time to be alive.

She has sent me a letter.

1 2 miss just 2, Berries and Cheeries Bulmers. I wasnt going to have a drink but here i am 4 Bulmers down (Thats all i bought). The abuser sent me a letter today, not by post by brother. the email earlier about her dropping things off and me packing her bag, well her little brother messaged me asking if i was in which i was. before ii knew it he was at the door passing me a parcel, wrapped in green bags.

2 small green bags (sandwisch like), and 3 pieces of paper after, I find the kids passports are there, i see writing on the paper…. im drunk. I’ll write out the whole letter for use all tomorrow.

Goodnight, wow iv got to get the bus tomorrow with 3 kids, in the passing down Fuking rain!!! Goodnight. I’ll drunk.

What Happened Last weekend?

Its 2:45am 2nd November and my alarm is ringing down my ear. ”OH SHITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!” i jump up and run down stairs nearly killing myself tripping as i do so. ”GET UP IT IS 2:45am!!!!!!” i scream at the abuser. *Knock Knock* her brother is here to drop us off at the airport. running round like headless chickens getting ready, we are on the motoway ready for 3:00am!! we havnt brushed our teeth! my hair is the only thing that looks decent, my eyes are puffy and iv got a huge gash on my nose from the nightbefore.

I can take the punches, the blows, the slaps and the back handers, sadly im used to them now. but the thing is the Abuser has a huge solid gold initial ring, thats what causes the damage, the pain and the scars.

We get through security, thankfuly. its a relief. Why? Beacuse i have 2 3.5s of green leaves up my vagina and 15 1/2 a grams of cocaine. i have to do this otherwise it will cost the abuser to much money once we get in spain. its ok if i get caught thou its only me, a mum of 3 children. Dont judge me, lots of people do it. I had no choice my life wouldnt be worth living if i didnt. everyone looks anyway at us because we are *Lesbians* i dont know what the big deal is really, but they look even more when im covered in bruises and cuts. some people just look away and sme stare. ”What they staring at? does my fuking heading” i just look at her and look away because what i really want to say is ”ME!!!!!! they are looking at me, because you have beaten me up YET AGAIN!!”. Its not worth it, just stay quiet.

As the plane door is closed my heart is beating like a drummer boys drum at christmas (That can get fuked anall). Im scared of flying, all sorts run through my head. To be honest i didnt even want t be on that plane, i didnt even want to go anywhere. The abuser is sat in the chair in front. I open my book and begin to read, a bit of peace and quiet and try take my mind of the fact i was in the bloody sky. This is the first time we have flown abroad together soba! so everything is going well, we have finally got to the room safe and sound, all moods are high, the weather is a bit on the dull side.

”Its not windy in the bars thou isit Bab”. This was the name she would call me when we was on good terms, or Darling. I loved the pet names she called me id never had one before, it made me feel special. Anyway she was right it doesnt, so off we pop to the bars, knott in my stomach, i know exactly how this is going to end. oh wait i have a email….

Emails:

The Abuser: Anything you find while you are going threw the case, can you bag it for me and i will come grab it and drop off the bracelets receipts and kids passports.

Poppie: Ok.

I would of just ignored it but i need the receipts for the kids bracelets for christmas otherwise id loose them to.

Sooooo off to the bars we went, bump or two down and litlle miss Aggy starts to show. starts with the usual digs ”You alright you?” ”You havnt stopped looking at every man than walks passed” (Bare in mind iv learnt not to walk with my head up, i dont look at a sole, if my eyes go slightly off her face thats it, MURDERS). I manage to swerve it and shrug it off. The more bumps, the more it gets worst. ”Your a fuking Slag” is the legendary one. ”FUCK THIS!!!! I CBA im going back to the door” i storm off, ”Do you mean my room?” Sarcy bitch comes out then. at this point i know at some point im going to be kicked out the room in spain.

Im waiting and waiting in the room, baring in mind we been up since early hours, no show. I have no option to text her mum, which i never have done before. The abuser doesnt know her way round the area as much as me. I take myself to bed knowing she is ok following a conversation with her mum.

*BANG* ”DONT YOU TEXT MY FUKING MAM AGAIN YOU FUKING SLAG”. Im holding my face in pain as shes just punched me right in my nose again. ”AWWWW look at you crying, dont fuking text my mam then you slag!”. I scream and beg for her to leave me alone. After taking myself out the bedroom and try get comfy on the couch she appears ”Get the fuck out of my room, i paid for it you money grabbing little slag”. Next thing i know im being dragged my hair out the room, trying to hold on she pulls me even more banging my back and whole body of every wall. As i managed to get on my feet, *BOOM* head but right in my mouth, as i drop to the floor i feel her twisting my head round her hand to drag me out, she succeeded. Now im stuck in spain with my Abuser still screaming abuse at me as a try to get down the stairs, my body is in agony and my eyes have swollen up. ”How long are you going to put up with this, you are going to end up dead” is something i think to myself daily. I know i can get do this, but am i really that strong enough to leave? i hope so.

I love her.

I’m drunk now, kids are asleep. But I miss her, I love her so much. More than anyone iv ever loved. I never wanted her for money, I never wanted her for anything other than love. My chest hursts so bad. This is what people don’t understand, i love her, I crave her. How will I get over her? I know I have to. For me and my kids. But she’s my other half. She’s my whole world. She is my sage blanket.

Is it me? Is she right?

So now I’m 3 bottles of Bulmers down, the 3 kids are sat downstairs with me (never happens) and I’m so relaxed. It’s the youngest bedtime soon. And I’m debating if I’m wrong? But no I am not! She threw my passport off the 10th floor, last week in Benidorm on our last night! POOF! Gone! Gone was my passport, gone was the flight, gone was all hope of touching home soil where I was safe! That’s a whole other story, well it’s the final story to be exact to where I have finally got the strength to leave. So yeah fuck you alcohol, it’s not me, it never was.

I do love her, my heart hurts! How can I stand back and watch her eventually meet someone else? Because she is mine. My world. I know she loves me. She loves me and carnt help it sometimes.

Who’s phoning on No caller ID?

So it’s 18:53 on a Saturday night, all my washing is done, uniforms all sorted for Monday morning. Teas all eaten and everything is cleaned up. I’m sat (not) watching the tele, my youngest, my cheekiest is eating my arm like a zombie, while the other two are playing on the PS5 upstairs.

Today is the first day in over about two weeks iv actually felt any energy to do anything. The washing was piling so high we are struggling for clean clothes, while there were piles of clean clothes stacked on the stairs. On the floor in the kids room, I just didn’t have the energy to do any of it. It’s done now, thankfully! I’m sat all sticky with my false tan on ready to look all golden tomorrow. Sunday I’m supposed to be in work at 1 till 5 but I’m not (bruises still visible).

Anyway….. While I was doing tea, my phone was on charge in the bedroom.

*1 Missed call – NO CALLER ID*

I know exactly who it is, but why? Questions are running wild in my brain, “has she forgot somthing?”, “is she gonna scream at me”, “does she want to come back”, what?!

I plug the laptop charger in, I know she has my email blocked and do not know how to unblock it, iv blocked her every way possible so email would be the only way to get hold of me. So yes the laptop, it has a email on it she can email, I forgot about it till before. Two messages of the abuser. And wow! the abuse is vile, same as always. I’m a slag, I’m a money grabber, my fanny is massive, I cheat every weekend. Bare in mind! I’m not allowed ANYWHERE on my own! ANYWHERE!!!!

So for instance when she is working I would be there, she would say “we need to go here, we need to go there”, if I said I was staying it would be a while big “WHY!?” So it was easier to go, even thou iv got washing up to my eye balls and pots to wash after making her breakfast, once I got home from the school run and cleaned up. “Good morning my wife, here is your breakfast and iv made you a glass of water and a brew coz I didn’t know what you wanted” every morning I would say! She wanted me by her side as and when she said.

15:00 pick up the two youngest, 15:30 pick up eldest, 15:45 drop me and kids off at home. I as like every mum does, reading, homework and spellings, then tea time, clean up time, bath time. Packed lunches are done and all uniforms are ironed ready for morning every morning. The abuser comes home around 17:00, has to nip out, then again, till around 20:00. Every night, that’s fine it is work. But I’m at home (which she knows) which is fine. ( staying for the fact I’m at home with the kids every day.

Iv had a drink now, I’m starving! I havnt eaten a thing for two days straight. Iv had one Bulmers and I’m feeling a little weavy. So I’ll go and maybe just maybe I might update later. But one thing for sure is I will not be messaging the abuser.

She has gone (Again!)

How long for this time? It’s my own fault really, I shouldn’t let her back every single time. But yet again it’s weekend and I’m sat on my bed alone. It’s Saturday morning and the kids are up stairs on their phones, Nintendo and PlayStation. They usually go to their dads after school on a Friday till I pick them up after school on Mondays.

I have got the kids because I felt bad, me and the abuser have just got back from a long weekend away (which turned into longer because my passport was thrown over the balcony of the 10th floor) so I decided, we decided to keep them this weekend. I started a knew job yesterday at the local supermarket, it was my first day, the abuser was having the kids as I didn’t finish till 8pm. I was nervous my last few jobs have been bad work which I love!!!!

I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. That’s another job iv had to let go. It’s November I have no job and I have Christmas coming. My make up won’t cover the black eyes, the gash on my nose, the cut on my lip, the bruises on my head. “Hi my names Bobbie, todays my first day, ignore my face and bruises on my body I was involved in a car accident”, I just carnt face lying to people anymore. Every job iv had I have had to leave because week in week out my face is bruised and cut.

So, anyway, she has gone again. Iv blocked her number, socials and email. I usually usually unblock her after a few hours but it’s day two now (that doesn’t sound a lot, but trust me it is). She came yesterday for the rest of her stuff, telling me how much of a slag I am, and how she was never good enough because she doesn’t have a dick. The best of it is, of course it is my fault (it always is). “Well you said you don’t want to be with me anyway so” yes I said it and I meant it, every single word.

She thinks it’s the same as every other time, where I leave it for a few days and she starts making her way back one way or another then BANG! She is back in the big bed, not this time, NOT THIS TIME! All I have to do now is wait…..